New Year Struggles

We are driving back from Florida right now. While we were there visiting my family, my grandfather (paternal) was started on hospice. I was there when the Dr gave him a 1-2 months diagnosis. It was so hard you hear him plead for them to cut his arm off (it’s very painful) and he needed reassurance that he won’t ever be begging for pain meds. He has an electric pain pump now so he can medicate as needed. He was moved to my aunt’s house where he’ll live out his days. Last night was the last time I’ll see him alive. We both cried, it was hard to figure out what to say. In the end I told him I loved him and that I’d call him soon. He told me to take care and thanks for helping out this week. I will call him, too. He’s scared of being forgotten. Watching 2 strong men die in the past few years is hard but I’ve learned how I want to go. I’m going to write up a list of requests for my family for while I’m dying (if I end up with cancer or some other drawn out dying l process).

My dad is struggling with walking. He’s in a lot of pain. They still  have not shared his biopsy results with him so that’s scary. We’re all really worried about him. He’s trying to act normal but that’s not going to last too long.

It feels like I’ll be in mourning forever between my grandfather and dad. These things really stress me out. Here’s hoping I can hold it together. Keep our family in your prayers and good thoughts.

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