I should have been sleeping about 3 hours ago but my mind won’t shut off. I’m feeling so anxious about going to work tomorrow. Why is this keeping me up at night? My director sent an email late Thursday which most of us read on Friday that stated office gossip regarding my coworker’s dismissal would not be tolerated and to come to her with any questions. I thought it a nice gesture considering I’m feeling like my work environment is “hostile”. Friday morning the woman in the office next to mine was talking loudly on the phone about me. She is a loud talker and I don’t think she realized I was in the office because it was pre-9am. It was both frustrating to hear her talk about how I must be complaining to someone and funny because how would I even know I’m being gossiped about since no one is talking to me?! This weekend I got the guts to send a text to the one person in my office that I thought had my back and who is being the coldest to me. I simply said “We have been friends these past few months and your recent cold shoulder treatment has been hurtful. Will you discuss you reasons?” and I got no response. It was a big deal to even assert myself to ask her what’s going on in her mind because I usually just let friendships die once the other person is showing distance. I don’t know why I’m trying so hard for this one.

I made a plan that I will not even try small pleasantries this week. Last week I was kind and pleasant even when people ignored my eyes and walked away from me in the break room. I didn’t show frustration when my “friend” gave me the evil eye in the ladies room, I just said “hello” and went about washing my hands. This week I will not try the “kill them with kindness”. I am going to shut down and ignore them just as they have me. We can have equal rudeness and childishness if that’s how they want it. Some of these people are in their 60s for goodness sakes! We aren’t dealing solely with young people. I have thought of trying to get one of the key gossipers alone and tell them my side of the story so they can spread that around. It feels wrong any time there is only one story flying around and it’s being told by a recently fired, always disgruntled, former employee.

It’s so late and I wake up in about 5 hours. I think I might be taking a 1/2 sick day at this rate. I am not convinced that I can function on these few hours of sleep – assuming I ever fall asleep- in an already stressful environment. I need my strength right? haha.

Anyway, I started the antibiotics today and am trying to convince myself that I’m not permanently damaged though the forums on endometritus have a lot of participants who’ve had zero luck conceiving even after finishing the meds. Some end up with hysterectomies because the symptoms get worse and the bacteria won’t stay away. Folks, there is a real possibility that all my efforts have been for nothing and that’s so hard to wrap my head around with everything else going on.

3 thoughts on “Anxiety

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